Judgment Fondling
Call her the Critic or the Naysayer or the Perfectionist, I drag some incarnation of Judgment around like a dead third arm which I reflexively use to beat myself and others.
Today I hoisted the dead arm onto the couch with me to have a look at why I'm so enamored of something I find so unattractive. Surely, at this advanced age, I have evolved sufficiently to cut this arm-a-tross loose.
Let's get real: judgment is just so darn FUN! I admit I fondle my judgments, massaging them into sarcasm and self-deprecating barbs. After all, the more I heap on myself, the more license I have to build a nice trash pile on you. While criticizing and fault-finding are inevitably human--a product of the ego's desperate attempt to keep one safe and familiar and on top of the heap-- I propel it to the level of sports entertainment. Let's have a round of Judgment Jousting where the game is to stay on the high horse while lampooning with hyperbole.
Judgment is not always behaving badly. At least once or twice, my judgment has been useful, brave, even caring and clarifying. Like when I decided to stop drinking or to tell the truth about my first marriage or quit that job that was killing my soul. In those cases, my judgment was driven by something bigger than my immediate gratification or entertainment. Those big decisions were fueled by fundamental values of integrity, self-honesty, and true self-expression. Judgment has worked really well when my values are doing the talking and not my tastes, my personality, self-righteousness, impatience and any number of lesser qualities that I'd rather not admit publicly.
So let's say I have a friend who asks me for feedback about a work project, and I exercise my relevant experience and pertinent knowledge to make judgments, some of which directly contradict her actions. In other words, I'm about to call her baby ugly.
Now, you and I both know she very likely wants confirmation and validation for how pretty her baby is, not actual, honest feedback. I could always walk away, but she's asked me for feedback. What is my intention? What are the higher values I could bring to the conversation instead of my default fault-finding?
I could make a CHOICE to be empathetic, to see beyond my own tastes, to be open and curious to her point of view. I could try to see the higher values driving my friend's actions and appeal to that.
I could remember nobody's perfect and exercise the higher values of patience, compassion, humor, and optimism.
Killing joy and creativity is not going to serve anybody. So I could use words that inspire, encourage, and empower (and cut the ones that don't!)
I could prioritize effort over excellence, acknowledging that being judgmental, critical, and fault-finding is the fastest way to shut down anybody striving for excellence.
As happens a lot, people don't respect my judgment, even in the midst of saying “I'm asking you because I respect your judgment.” The truth is I ignore my own better judgment at least 50% of the time.
So, if that happens, let it go with as few words as possible. Something like “I stand by my feedback, but if you don't agree, that's ok, I still love you.” Knowing when to stop making other people's business my business may just be the secret to a happy life—mine and their's—with a lot less jousting, fondling, and arm beating.